Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.