Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be