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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Danger is very dangerous
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump