Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.