Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Respect
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: