Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You Might Also Like
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
me refusing to leave twitter
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.