Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you