My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!