I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.