Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: