coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”