It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
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[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.