My favorite female superhero
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.