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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I have a new favorite meme page
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!