thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads