Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords