Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
i think we should see other cousins
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.