WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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Beware…..
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.