I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You Might Also Like
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William