teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.