They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
それは草