“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.