Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*Inspirational Tweets*
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children