Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.