Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Google Pay be like:
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks