My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!