Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?