Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses