If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
You Might Also Like
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
#Caturday
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?