If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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Breaking news:
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel