I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Best spoiler warning ever
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?