Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The symmetry is uncanny.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“That’s what” – She
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.