someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”