DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*