My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.