Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat