all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
You Might Also Like
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Somebody’s lying.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.