You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating