I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
When someone says you are so lazy
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance