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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i