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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?