When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12