Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.