Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.