Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Why are bridges so flammable.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?