No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.