Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The point of your 20s
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.