looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.