Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
the red hot silly peppers
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
No way!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Bike is short for Bichael.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987