God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
You Might Also Like
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
That 👊
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*